Learning to be and welcome an athithi

After having painted such a grim picture of one aspect of modern urban living, I felt the responsibility to follow it up with something about the way out. Even I remember growing up without any need for my parents to coordinate with anybody. There were safe open spaces outside our homes where I could just go wander in where my friends would join us as and when they could. If no one came, I would just spend some time by myself skipping or bouncing a ball, or watching a cricket match played by the older kids and return home. I could walk over to the next street where some of my relatives lived and knock at their doors. Wherever all us kids gathered, we’d all be fed and taken care of. I can imagine how much easier it must have been when my parents were young, when friends and family lived in pretty much the same village. This is still somewhat alive in one neighbourhood in Chennai, Triplicane, where my parents and a lot of my relatives live. It is one of the oldest settlements, where everyone knows at least a few dozen families living there. There is a certain free-flowing movement of people that you can see there!    

We have all heard the saying Athithi Devo Bhava, which means ‘Treat your guest like God’. The word athithi actually means ‘the one who arrives and departs without announcing the date or the time’ (a=no; thithi=day/time). It was an aha-moment for me when I learnt the meaning of this word recently! How graciously open, welcoming and warm our ordinary lives must have been to guests for the word to have been coined with its focus on the ‘unannouncement’!

We rarely live in our homes these days. Fathers go to work. Children go to school and classes. Mothers shuttle between home, school, classes, stores, doctors, etc. In the current way we live, it is of course not easy to be or welcome an athithi. But let me now tell you a refreshing story of a family that stays home together.

Dev and Hema quit their corporate jobs to pursue more meaningful and creative lives. Abhi and Aparna are their two children who don’t go to school. This family that I often mention in my stories lives in the street next to ours. They ring our door bells more often than they call us. When our door bell rings when we aren’t expecting anyone in particular, we now know it must be someone from their family. They usually come to share with us sambar, chutney or a treat that they put together, or to just drop by for a chat. Initially I used to tell them “But why didn’t you call and come? What if we weren’t home?” Now I realize that they find simple and profound joy in just coming over without announcing; in knowing that they would be welcomed even if they visited unannounced. Hema and Dev care so less about coordination between themselves (unless absolutely necessary) that they, many times, don’t even mind to check when the other person is returning home even on days that they have travelled long distances. “I don’t know. He will come home sometime by the end of the day!” would be Hema's response. 

Inspired by Hema and Dev, I’ve also started just dropping by their home unannounced. Rajeev and I are now being more conscious about our coordination calls with each other and are learning to leave notes on the blackboard and post-it cards! :)

How about we identify one other family in our neighbourhood who we can relate to in this way? This way, we can rediscover the joy of being and welcoming an athithi; heal the ailing spirit of India. 

The study of miracles

I moved on from middle-class activism (tree planting, charity, composting) to angry activism (anti-globalisation protests) over a period of ten years. During that time, I had collaborated with many activists who believed that the world could change with projects, protests, blueprints and manuals. In hindsight, this is a very masculine way of thinking. After years of letting this directly clash with my true inner nature and calling, I went through a physical and mental burnout and was forced to stop my work, heal and consolidate my lessons to move forward. That is when my second phase of work began. 

Six years ago, I started gardening nature's way. Four years ago, I became a mother. Entering the world of natural farming and attachment parenting (along with unschooling) mark two very significant landmarks in my activist life. Those were when I began to really observe how life worked. I started getting insights into the intelligence of life and healing, the thing that is most needed in the world today. Healing at many levels and in many forms. I moved away from "more work, more change" to "deeper work, better change".

Charles Eisenstein wrote "What the doomsayers say is true: our situation is beyond hope. Perhaps if we had reversed course in the 1960's, if we had zealously applied all the ecological and social understandings that arose at that time, there would still have been hope. No longer. It is too late. Only a miracle will save us. And so I say, "Let us devote ourselves to the study of miracles."" And that to me is tapping into the feminine; getting closer and closer to the source of creation itself; aligning with it. For it alone knows what is to be done in these times of utter chaos and conflict. We can be mere instruments of the divine plan.  

And so, my work these days is largely about consciously shifting from operating from the masculine part of myself (which is about thinking, analysing, planning) to the feminine (which is about surrendering to the wisdom of creation, accessing life's intelligence and preparing myself to be worthy of receiving grace). I spend my days in prayer that 'I may be used as an instrument to manifest that which is for the highest good of all life'. In prayer and in preparation for undertaking that which I am directed towards. 

I am still interested in projects and plans. But I am more interested in people who make these plans, than the plans themselves. "Are you willing to truly listen, suspending your judgments to consider radically new perspectives? Are you willing to deschool your mind? Are you able to stay humble and at the same time, claim your true power? Are you striving to walk your talk? Do you believe in the power of the sangha? Are you willing to be co-creators of the new world through personal and collective practice at the same time? Are you willing to work more and more sincerely to make yourself worthy of being a guardian of the planet? Are you comfortable with who you are and what is in this moment? Can you imagine yourself as a mother nurturing children?" These are the questions I am interested in asking people before knowing what plans they have.

(Taken from a note about myself on GCSSFS)

Please don't disturb the still pond!

Most of us feel uncomfortable when our children exercise their freedom to be silent, walk around seemingly doing nothing of importance. This is because most of us feel uncomfortable ourselves being silent and doing nothing. Modern culture, which is obsessed with activity and productivity, calls it ‘laziness’ and conjures up proverbs like ‘An idle mind is a devil’s workshop’. But the most important work is waiting to happen during these times of seeming inaction.   

Don’t confuse this with children “sitting quietly, doing nothing” in schools. There they are expected to listen to the teacher fearfully and anxiously, knowing they may be pulled up for anything any time. The fearful minds of such violated beings are extremely noisy, quite the opposite of being silent. By silence, I mean a certain voluntary, fearless and active disengagement with the environment through the senses; a retreat inwards.

Children who are left alone without the pressure of schedules, syllabuses and performance, pursue things that interest them at their own pace. I see Isha do this. She is intrinsically self-driven to explore. She is an extrovert and physically very active. Once every few weeks, she would wake up and say “Amma, let’s just stay at home today. Let’s not go anywhere, not meet anyone, not do anything.” These are not at all days when she is unwell or bored. She asks to stay home with great interest and with a certain clarity of purpose! These are very special days for me too, for I like to observe what she does with her time at home by herself. And I get to slow and quieten down as well.

On these ‘do-nothing’ days, she spends hours just looking at her little beads, or doodling with her crayons, intermittently engaging in some conversations (usually asking some simple but profound questions). On these days, she behaves more like an adult than a child with much less mischief. There is a certain reflective quality to these days. These spaces of silence are built into her life on a daily basis as well. Especially after she has been out all day with very intense kids, or has received a lot of stimuli, she retreats into her own space for a while after we get back home.

Observing Isha, and of course, reflecting on my own experience with silence, here’s what I feel children might be doing when they slip into it.

1. They process information to make their own sense of the world. Isha asks questions about something that she was told, she saw, etc. that day after a long silence. ‘Appa, why does the lion eat the deer, the lizard eat the fly?’ was a question that occupied her mind for a long time.

We are careful not to impose our meaning of the world on to her. We share with her what we think about something and leave her with “Nee enna nenaikkare?” (What do you think?) Being conditioned ourselves, I wouldn't say we do it successfully all the time. There are times when we slip and try to indoctrinate her with our conclusions!

Using more information that she gets from us (which includes what we think about something), she processes it in her own way and makes her own sense of the world. This can happen only when there is space for silence in her life ‘at will’. When I say 'at will', I mean that these silences cannot be scheduled for "two hours every Wednesday and Friday!" 

Many times she comes to us saying “Do you know how this happens? This is how!” giving us her explanation for things that she has processed, and tentatively understood. It may very soon (even as soon as in 2 days) come up for re-examination  She’d come and tell us “You know what I used to think about this when I was young? (younger by 2 days!)” and go on with her new understanding of it. Sometimes we challenge her with a more complex question “Oh really! Ok, if so, why then does this happen?” She sometimes gives a tentative answer to have the last word. Sometimes, she’d admit that she does not know and continue her exploration.

2.They process painful experiences to heal. Children are vulnerable beings who can be easily impacted by the things they see, hurt by the harshness of the world, confused by mixed messages they receive, disappointed by the lack of integrity among the adults they look up to, assaulted by the noise and stimuli around them, bombarded by the information fed to them, bullied by the frustrated older children and adults, etc. When they seek to be silent is when they are naturally drawn to staying with the hurt, processing it and healing from it without the need for much help from the outside. After a long one-hour silence during a recent bus ride, Isha asked me “Why does that aunty with the baby come asking us for money?" about young women beggars at traffic signals.  "Why do people always tell me not to cry when I am crying? What else can I do?” Clearly these are very disturbing to her and she was sitting with them on her own terms, trying to understand.

John Holt makes another observation of children who feel free to slip into silence. They replay hurtful incidents in their minds over and over again, until they learn to step out of the experience and become a spectator from the outside. Then it does not hurt so much any more. Once the experiencer of pain from the past becomes a ‘character’ in a story, the character can be made to do whatever we wish for it to. A healthy, fearless and free mind is more likely to be able to reconstruct the past by imagining a different and more sensible, compassionate, fearless and appropriate response to what happened. And this is what we call ‘learning a lesson from our experience’. JH says that children, when left alone, do it very naturally. Quite something for us adults to observe and learn from!

When they have processed both information and pain to a fair degree, then their minds become free to absorb and process newer experiences and information. It is similar to how naturopaths recommend ‘fasting’ for the body to process unprocessed food (akin to learning), eliminate toxins (akin to healing from hurt) after which the body restores its health and becomes ready for fresh input. Repeatedly focusing only on ‘eating food’ (just like we focus merely on ‘information input’) does not mean that the body (or the mind) is assimilating it all. If the body is using up its energy to fight toxins (or build defense against hurt), it may not be able to assimilate the nutrition, however good and wholesome the food intake might be. The input might be excreted without assimilation, cause indigestion and turn into toxins. 

***

A fearless and clear mind (that knows how to regularly cleanse itself of noise generated from unprocessed information and pain) is a very absorbent mind. A child with such a mind is most likely to stay well connected to her sense of life purpose and pursue the knowledge and skills needed to fulfil it. So the next time you see any child sitting quietly, just step back and observe. You may smile at her and make yourself available, but don’t initiate conversation, force the child to do something, excite her or get chatty. Become aware of your own noise in the head. Connect over silence.

Don’t disturb the still pond. Sit by it. Enjoy it. Let the reflection remain clear so you can see. 

Modern living is a coordination nightmare!

Modern living has become one big coordination nightmare.

We make calls to see who is picking up our kid at what time. We make one or two reminder and confirmation calls. "Just called to remind you to pick him up. Don't forget!" ...... and then call again to say "Sorry, I forgot to ask you to pick up some bananas on your way!" If we somehow thought 'Ok, since now everything is taken care of, we can take a break and go use the bathroom', we hear the phone ring in the living room. We return the missed call to hear this "They don't have bananas, are papayas ok?"

We make calls to move around our appointments and schedules because someone's plan changed or something unexpected happened. "My maid didn't show up today. Can we meet at 3 pm instead? .... Ok, call and let me know, preferably within the next 10 minutes. Based on that, I need to reschedule a few other things."

We make calls to friends to schedule a time (in the midst of our and their busy days coordinating various pick-ups, drops and schedulings) to squeeze in an hour to just catch up. "Is tomorrow 4 pm a good time to call? It shouldn't take more than an hour."..... "Oh, sure. But I might have to hang up at 5 sharp, because I need to be somewhere else at 5.30!"

We make calls to check if someone who has promised to meet us is actually on their way or not, just to be sure. If they aren't, then we need to move around our plans by calling up other people you see! "Just calling to see if you left home. When do you think you'll get here?"

When we decide to meet in busy public places, we make a few calls to see how far each of us has reached, where the car / bike can be pulled over, how many minutes away are we. "Hey, I told you I'd pull over opposite the bank. But it is too crowded there. You come another 20 metres down and you'll see me there!"

The lives of mothers of children whose school, play dates, classes, shopping, etc. need to be coordinated are the most complicated of them all.

'Coordination' is probably one of the most energy-draining activities of urban humans. We have lost our ability to 'just wake up, walk around, do some work, smile and laugh, welcome surprise visitors (without feeling embarassed or annoyed, depending on where we are at that point), make surprise visits, and be!'

I'm sure we are smart enough to figure out a better way to live!

Sequel: Learning to be and welcome an athithi

Stop reading. Start smelling. Start feeling it in your gut.

This has been a conversation that Rajeev and I have been having for a while now. How much we let ourselves be bombarded with information! We consume so much information, but have less and less knowledge than our ancestors about things that matter to us the most – love, clean water, clean air, safe food, building houses, etc. That’s because we’ve lost our ability to smell and feel our way through life. We’ve lost our ability to intuit. Instead of channeling wisdom-guided information (i.e. intuition), we have become “thinking” consumers of information from external sources, very often oblivious of the fact that our minds are manipulated by distorted information.

When there is death and disease in every household in Kasargod, the government wants scientific studies and reports to prove that it is because of Endosulphan. And at the end of a long-endured series of trials, it has a way of saying it wasn’t enough proof.

My friend Dev once put it beautifully. “When I stepped into the US for the first time, I looked at the number of cars and sky-scrapers and said to myself ‘Oh my God. How is this even possible on earth?’ It didn’t smell right. But I didn’t pay much attention to it back then and went on with business as usual. After seven years of reading so much about global warming and our ecological crisis, I am now saying the same thing. But back then, I really didn’t need all this information to know what I did!”

Can we look at our milk packet that lands at our doorstep every morning and ask ourselves “What might it take for the milk of a living being be supplied to us in such quantities day after day?”

Can we look at all the cheap plastic stuff and soft toys that our stores are filled with and ask ourselves “What might it take for them all to be produced – raw material, production to sale?”

Can we look at our bottles and cans of water and ask ourselves “Where might these be coming from? What might its impact on life be?”

Can we look at our A/Cs and cars and ask ourselves “Where might this energy be coming from?”

Don’t google and read. Don’t depend on information. Just close your eyes. Place your hands on your gut and feel it. Breathe in deeply and smell it. What do you feel and smell? 

Related post:  Toxins: Why I don't entirely trust scientific reports; Why I follow the Precautionary Principle

Toxins: Why I don't entirely trust scientific reports; Why I follow the Precautionary Principle

The information I will be presenting will be very basic and a collection of facts, statistics, experiences and speculations from the world over. Though I do refer scientific journals to see what they are saying, I don’t go by them entirely. Here is why.

There are about 83,000 synthetic chemicals in use today. 700 new synthetic chemicals are being introduced into the US market each year without any requirement for safety tests.

It is not easy to establish with sufficient evidence, the toxicity of individual chemicals for two reasons.

1.     Chemicals are always used in combination. It is humanly impossible to test the various permutations and combinations of those thousands of chemical compounds (i.e. their contra-indications and synergistic effects) for their safety!

2.     Human populations are very mobile and have long life-cycles, which makes it harder to establish their effect on them, when compared to plants (eg. Pesticides) which are immobile and have yearly crop cycles. The more the mobility, the more the variables to consider.

While after a lot of research on even banned chemicals such as Bisphenol A, scientists make conservative statements like this. “There remains considerable uncertainty whether the changes seen in the animal studies are directly applicable to humans, and whether they would result in clear adverse health effects,” said NTP Associate Director John Bucher, Ph.D. “But we have concluded that the possibility that BPA may affect human development cannot be dismissed.”

Have you heard about the horror story of disease and death in Kasargod, Kerala, where years of endosulfan spraying on cashew farms has poisoned an entire generation? Just type ‘endosulfan and kasargod’ on google-images, and the horror is literally just one click away. With every household having a crippled child or adult, and the sane people of whole world screaming out for its ban, the Indian scientists claimed that "there is no evidence to implicate or exonerate endosulfan as the causative factor of the health problems".

So, let’s leave the scientists out of telling us what is safe and what isn’t. Let them sit in their labs producing reports making their money. Let us, mothers and fathers get down to the act of saving our own children by taking the ‘precautionary principle’ approach.

The PP approach means that we don’t wait for a chemical to be proven unsafe in order to stop using it. We wait for enough evidence to prove that the chemical is absolutely safe in order to start using it. Other names for the PP approach are the ‘common-sense’ or the ‘better-to-be-safe-than-to-be-sorry’ approach.

The American President’s Cancer Panel (PCP) Report takes a strong, sensible stand based on the PP. “We can’t wait forever to learn about all the effects of chemicals. We need to act with whatever we know. And we already know enough to take it seriously!”

Like I have written in ‘Letting the feminine lead the way’, modern science uses a very linear and fragmented way of understanding problems and designing solutions. Unless we fundamentally change the question we are asking and our approach to understanding the problem of toxicity, we have no hope of recovery from this deep crisis. 

Toxins: How serious is the problem?

Today, there are about 83,000 synthetic chemicals in use. Only 11% of these have been tested for safety.

700 new chemicals are being released into the US market each year without any requirement of being tested for safety before their release.

Autism, which has a direct causal link with many environmental toxins including pesticides is on a steep rise. The US CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) report says that in the 1980s, its prevalence was 1 in 10,000; in 2009 it was 1 in 110; in 2012, it has risen to 1 in 88. It has increased 78% in the past one decade alone.

The American President Cancer Panel Report of 2010 says “300 chemical contaminants have been detected in umbilical cord blood of newborn babies. To a disturbing extent, babies are born 'pre-polluted.' … In 2009, about 1.5 million Americans were diagnosed of cancer of whom 0.5 million died.” A recent NCI (US National Cancer Institute) report says that “41% of all Americans will be diagnosed of cancer in their lifetime, and 21% will die from it”. The report declares cancer as a national emergency.

Some toxic chemicals are persistent and stay on forever over centuries and traveling for thousands of kilometers. They bioaccumulate as they get transferred up the food chain. They are called Persistent Organic Pollutants.

And this is only a small indicative sample.